Hello my lovely little love nuggets!
I’ve been a terrible blogger these past few months and, if we’re being honest with each other, it’s because I’ve been so burnt out. But no longer! The New Year has made me so excited for this year’s ventures–Even though my 2013 got off to a rough start; which is why I thought I’d share my little story for shits and giggles. Now this story strays away from the point of this blog, but I promise I’ll tie in some fashion/style related topics in there (however vague they may be).
My night started out with a bottle of champagne, as all classy people are aware, that’s how you ring in the new years. We make it to the bar and right after midnight, amongst all the drunken cheering, dancing, hugging and kissing I notice a tranny dance around me and go behind me, to which I feel someone grabbing in my back pocket. And when I reach back to see what had happened, my motherfuckin wallet was gone. I scour the bar for those platinum blonde locks and eventually cornered her near the bathrooms. Before I could even get a word out, she blurts out, “I don’t have yo wallet.” Well that was easy. I continue to reason with her, asking her to just return my wallet until I see 4 random strangers come up and also accuse her of stealing their phone and wallets. This bitch, then decides to bolt for the door– Now, normally it’s now within my instincts to to go balls to the walls, but having some (a bottle of champagne and 3 cocktails later) I went after her. I must’ve been the only queen who works out cause the others were slow to follow, so basically I was the only hope of ever returning with our stolen items. I eventually catch her, gasping for air and slightly nauseous I say, “You’re gonna stay right here, I’m calling the cops.” Not a smart move on my part, since she grabs my phone, throws it on the ground and stomps on it– I have a lovely cracked screen now. To add insult to injury she just starts beating the shit out of my face as I’m STILL holding on to her. Now I know what you’re thinking, Why the fuck didn’t you beat the shit out of her? The only answer I can provide is that I’m just a lover not a fighter. The whole time she was punching me, I was trying to save my face aka my money maker and reason with her. So after a busted nose, a chipped tooth, and a couple of bruises later, I finally let go and she gets away.
At this point, the rest of the queens finally catch up and then the cops. I was so frazzled and upset that when asked for a physical description, I said the gayest thing that could have come out of my mouth, “She was a black tranny with Nene Leakes hair… Real Housewives of ATLANTA?… ANYBODY?! You’re in West Hollywood, learn our references!” Not even sorry about it. Bear in mind that I never really got a terribly good look at her face because most of the time I was chasing the back of her head or covering my face as she assaulted me. I decide to just try and make the best of the rest of my night and return to the bar, but at that point I was in such a foul and paranoid mood. Not even the cute guy that came up to me and told me I was incredibly attractive–WHICH IS NORMALLY ALL IT TAKES WITH ME, could deter me from being a bitch. My reply was a simple, “thanks. bye,” so to that cute stranger, if you’re reading this, get at me. It wasn’t until I was on my way home that I got an email saying that someone had left me a comment on THIS very blog from a Bob (THANKS BOB!) Who had found my wallet, I guess she saw me trolling the bar for her and just took the cash and ditched the wallet. My faith in humanity is somewhat restored. Normally, this WOULD be my life and I’d let it get to me, but I’m just going to turn this into a life lesson and laugh it off. Let’s just hope this is my lowest point of the new year. But if I ever see another tranny with Nene Leakes hair, you best believe that slut is going down.
Style-wise I was wearing a bow tie, I’ve missed them. So my 2013 style resolution is to wear more bow ties, what are your style resolutions?
PS:
I also started a youtube channel! A new exciting chapter so i can slowly ruin all your lives. HOORAY!
I come to you today with a serious problem plaguing men–undershirts. I have such disdain for useless under garments. Something about the way it just peeks out is just as offensive as an unwanted boner. Its just not aesthetically pleasing, so its best, like most other under garments, to keep it unseen or just do away with it. I’m all for the latter.
